You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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