I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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