I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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