I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
