There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
