i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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