I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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