When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
