I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
are you so shy because you have an std?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
