U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
In other news, I just burned my penis
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
