wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
