this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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