I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
