You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Randomize
