how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
