I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
