ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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