Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
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