my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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