why do cheetos always look like penises
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize