did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
