I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
