pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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