If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
