I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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