yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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