yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
