beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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