you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
