got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
