OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
