For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Randomize
