I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
