New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
