Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
