hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
