I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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