I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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