I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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