i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Randomize
