U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
