Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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