I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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