now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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