Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
