ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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