FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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