I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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