my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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