Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
