i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
