my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
not ubering you a puppy
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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