I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
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