somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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