I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
